MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS

I've said it before and I'll say it again, not one of these chemo treatments has been the same.  Yeah, we've tinkered with meds and stuff, but it's gone further than that.  Even when we haven't, my body has reacted differently.  Maybe it's because it is cumulative.  Maybe it's because I am becoming more and more aware of my body and I concentrate on myself more.  Maybe it is because of the change in temperature or what I ate.  Who knows!  

It kind of reminds me of being a new mother.  You keep trying things and listening to all the advice on how to make the baby sleep or eat or poop, but nothing works the same way twice. (Yeah, the sleep, eat, and poop thing applies to me as well.)  After seven treatments I finally realized if I can figure out what works for me at a particular time I should just go with it and be happy.  I don't obsess anymore on why it did work like that the last time around.  

I've heard many times from people, "You look good!", and "You don't look like you feel bad.".  I'm grateful for these words of encouragement, but I don't have any illusions that I look great or well all the time.  I've pondered this lately and asked myself the question, "What does it look like to have cancer?"  Really, what do people expect to see?  When they first heard I was going to go through this, what did they expect to happen to me?  I searched "Cancer Patient" images on Google to see and the first image returned is this picture.

Now, that doesn't look too bad!  Go ahead...try the search...you won't believe how many pictures are of smiling faces!  Many are adults but most are children smiling.  Kids are so beautiful when they are fighting.  They are strong and untainted by stereotypes of cancer.  I had to change the search to "Dying Cancer Patient" before most of the smiling faces were gone, and even then there were still some.  Hummm...Now there's even more to ponder.

I don't fault anyone who is surprised when I don't look sick.  When I first started thinking about how I would look as I battled this I imagined myself pale, bald, and chubby.  I thought I would look tired all the time and on the verge of puking. Kind of like a person who came to work with the flu and needs to go home.  Well, I guess I do look like that sometimes, I just don't let many people see me.  It doesn't mean this journey is easy, and it doesn't mean I'm trying to hide. I just choose what I want to show.  When it is bad I deal with it and when it is good I choose to put on my make-up and jewelry and not think about it.

I've had these very colorful / artsy dreams lately as I try to put a visual image to what has and is happening to me.  I've thought about it while driving, in prayer, and asleep.  I wish I were an artist so I could paint it.  I don't know if I can do it justice in words, but I'll try...

They sky is swirling with colors, mostly darker shades, and I am running along the side of a railroad track that is turning away from me slowly.  I'm not on the track and I can't really see where I'm going, but I am using a lot of energy. Swirling in the sky are shapes of things that are important to me. I can't see them clearly because they blend into the darkness.  I feel helpless to catch them.  The track is right there but I'm not jumping on it because I think all the things I love are in front of me and I don't want to veer away from them.

Then I am diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  I can't run anymore.  I don't like giving up control but I have no choice.  I'm lifted up and placed on the turning track.  I see myself moving in a direction away from everything I think I want and I am helpless to do anything about it.  It makes me cry.

Now I see that my forward movement requires much less effort because something else is moving me.  I've given in to a bigger purpose.  As the track turns away from all that I have been chasing the sky becomes brighter.  The darkness is replaced by primary colors and the muted images of all that I love are on the ground with me, clear and bright. I see my family, my church, and my work all represented in clear images and I no longer have a desire to chase those dark clouds headed the other direction.

No my friend, I did not just have a drug induced trip.  That was all in my very own brain. :-)   LOL