TIME FLIES WHEN ....YOU'RE CANCER FREE!


I didn't think I would be back, but the heart of a little girl named Ava prompted me.  She's never battled cancer, yet she had the initiative and courage to stand up for a cure.  Each time I write on this blog I feel like I'm in a fight and I'm throwing a master punch.  (Check out Ava's picture on the FANs tab of my blog)

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I'm still here  -  I didn't loose round one

And I don't plan to turn my back on the opponent, even while he is down! 

 

Thanks for reminding me Ava.

 

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I made a list of all the things to catch up on and I think it's too long to cover in one post.  Not because my friends couldn't read it all, but because I think I need to work through them just a couple at a time.  

 

 

I've had several dreams lately of the cancer coming back.  I don't remember how I find out in the dream, I just remember thinking about what I'm going to have to go through again as I am rushing to have a mastectomy right away to get rid of my breasts before they kill me.

 

I want to be very careful how I say this, because I want this blog to encourage others going through it, but it is not something I EVER want to do again.  Think about something horrible and see how long you can stay focused on it.  It won't be long before you pull back.  But in my dreams I am stuck until I wake and then I am so happy and relieved.

 

I was in the zone when it was going on.  I could see little more than the fight.  I kept separated (a lot but not all of the time) from it by studying it and breaking it down like a project that had milestones and a roll-out date.  ha ha ha  --- But now I can reflect on it and I can't say "It wasn't that bad", because it was.  It really sucked. 

 

I go to the doctor about six times a year now and when I'm there the sounds and smells bring back uncomfortable feelings.  I can't describe them, they are just uncomfortable.

 

The mammogram is the hardest because I learned of my cancer in a routine mammogram. I am so sad when I hear stories of people avoiding mammograms because they think it gives too many false positives or even causes cancer. I was stage II and not even the doctors could feel it AFTER they knew it was there because it was too deep in the tissue.  And let's be honest folks, it's not like I have an abundance of "tissue"!  I hate to think how much bigger it would have gotten and the chances of it spreading had I not had a mammogram. SO GET YOUR BOOBIES SQUISHED!..and tell 'em Amy sent ya.

 

 

I feel like I've rambled a lot, but there really is a point to all of it.  There are dark clouds following me every day.  Sometimes they come in the form of dreams and other times they come in the form of feelings I can't explain.  I don't want my friends and family to feel sad about that. It is what it is and I'm ok with it.

 

You don't know the feeling of hot until you feel cold and you don't feel rich until you have to do without.  In this case I didn't appreciate the richness of life until I was reminded it is only temporary.  The clouds continue to remind me to never waste a day.