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WAITING

So many of my posts have been just talking about what happened physically.  In this post I want to talk about what was happening inside.  During the "waiting" period (December 8 - 28) there was a lot of time to think and pray.  When I had a couple hours to myself I bought a journal to record some of my first thoughts.  This blog is hard because it is personal, but that is why I'm doing this.  I don't just want to write about another breast cancer story, I want it to be mine.

Here are some excerpts from that journal...

12/11/11
It's been just over 48 hours since I received the news and it seems like forever.  I wonder how many times I've said, "I have breast cancer", certainly only a fraction of the times I've thought it.  It is a constant in my brain.  Now I've even written it.

12/14/11
I'm sitting at the hospital waiting to register for my MRI.  I don't think I will learn anything today so why am I nervous?  I've had great peace since Sunday. God answered my "why".  I'm happy that He has chosen to use me and help me grow, but still nervous about how hard it is going to be.  I know He will take care of the hard stuff. 
I just checked the "cancer" box for the first time on the new patient form.  I froze up before I could do it.  My pen didn't want to touch the paper.  I just stared at it for a long time.  It will be easier next time I hope.  Breast cancer is now a part of my history and therefore a part of Abby and Grace's history.  They will now have to answer "Yes" when asked about a family history of breast cancer.

12/17
I'm happy.  There is still a lot I don't know, but what I do know is I'm going to be around for my family.  God still has things I need to do.
Jeff and I looked at reconstruction pictures on the internet. Some are great and some are so-so.  They are better than I thought they would be.
Dad is having a hard time.  We are talking more and I like that.  I want to spend more time with him so he can see that I'm alright.

12/26
I had a breakdown.  Only the second one.  Jeff held me and I fell asleep.  I was sick through the night and still don't know if it was a bug or just nerves.  I'm betting nerves. 

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